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deenamita [userpic]

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July 14th, 2009 (12:56 pm)

Wow. It's been a long time since I rode greyhound. This terminal is a zooooo.

deenamita [userpic]

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July 8th, 2009 (10:14 pm)

Randomly taking a bus down 9th ave..never knew how many restaurants were here! Que pasa with yum yum thai? 3 sites, 1 block? Actually yummy?

deenamita [userpic]

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July 6th, 2009 (08:33 pm)

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK FOR TWO FSKING WEEKS!!!!!!!!!! FSCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

deenamita [userpic]

Atlanta

June 12th, 2009 (08:26 pm)

Do I know anybody that lives in atlanta? I might be visiting there in July.

deenamita [userpic]

My life is an open book, but the next page is blank. So let me summarize and title this chapter.

June 11th, 2009 (04:09 am)
contemplative

current mood: contemplative

Got an injection in my foot today. Must stretch it twice a day if I ever hope for this foot pain to go away. Lord knows I have to prepare myself for a long journey, the destinations of which I do not know. But I am a mover, and in time I will be a shaker. This I feel in my spirit. Yet, lately I fear when I sleep that I won't wake up, and so much will be left undone in this life, and I wonder what will become of my memories, my art, my writing, my plans. Perhaps this fear is because I feel on the verge of discovery, similar to the feeling of being near the end of a good book where every mystery in the storyline becomes clear. Perhaps this fear is also because I don't have an official appointed backup archivist of my life. :) Is that egotistical to want one? After all, the only thing that will truly live on after me is my life story.

A few weeks ago I felt caught in the brush at a crossroads, unable to even walk down any of the paths before me. Today, I know I am on a path again. In fact, I feel it is a path that I kept moving mountains in front of. Some have believed with me that there is the possibility that this is an epic story, a path of


But there are things to love, there is art to make [the central passion and mission of which I have yet to find], there are languages to learn, there is meditation and yoga to practice, there are things to learn and things to teach and a way to make and balance to find.

Through Nursing I have found a means to an end. But what is this end? What is my way? And still, Great Nurses love others in time of pain, and despite their own pains, and despite how much of a PITA the patient is. :) And Nursing is the most challenging job I have ever had, task wise. Love-wise it seems to come easy for me. A friend commented that in a few years I'd be a hard Nurse. I pray that doesn't happen. I pray to God that doesn't happen. I pray to be hard-core skill wise, yes, to be knowledgable and intuitive and competent. I hopehopehope I don't become jaded, hurt, angry, burnt like some that I see. Not even the meanest, angriest, most demented, hopeless, or seemingly helpless patients deserve anything but our greatest good. (hehe, I wonder, however, if I'll ever outlive my reputation at work as a crybaby when I get overwhelmed and panic?) I still have some fears with my coworkers...like, I'm a genuinely nice person; I know this in my heart, other people have told me this. I have my issues, yes, we all do. But I do my best to not be a backstabber, to not gossip (which still slips out sometimes), to support people when I can. I fear that when it comes down to delegation and addressing issues with coworkers....well, I guess I worry too much about what people think of me; that they'll think I'm an ass. I fear that I won't communicate my true intent and desires effectively and it will backfire (as has happened in the past). I fear that people will find reasons to hate me. The hate I experienced when I was a kid really really sucked and was totally unfounded. I trust that I'm a good person now and have good intents for myself and other people. So what does it matter what other people think of me, right? Well, it matters. I'd like my actions and my words to reflect that. I'd like to be able to manage conflict better. *sigh*

...just watched the curious case of benjamin button and I'm left with that eternal question....why *am* I here? Can it be summarized under the title of 'to love'? or 'to love life, and all that life contains,' as that aesthetic realism idea states? How does art/music/speaking/travel/writing/teaching tie into that love? *sigh* that is the path I am on. I've been gathering for so long, and now it's time to learn to weave it all together, eh?

Why does it sometimes hurt to do this, to love? I reckon every other 'purpose' has its hurts, too. Dancers get hurt, artists/creatives get blocks - internal and external. Of course, I suppose I don't really work on healing from these hurts (see 'need to do foot exercises,' for example).
Really, I need to confess something as to why the love aspect of this movie stood out to me. That lover that just moved out? We've had sex twice since he moved out. Which, is one thing. It was unprotected sex. Which, is not cool. Especially because for both of us sex and love are miswired in our brains, so the impulsiveness added to 'intimacy.' However, let's recall that back in January I had been exposed, via him, to a curable STI (for which I gratefully tested negative, he positive). So, it is utter, sheer insanity for me to have unprotected sex with him. Heck , arguably, it's insanity for me to even be having sex with him at all, given that oftentimes, it hurts afterwards because we have a lot of love for each other but, well, in a relationship? It's just not meant to be. I have yet to move on, to break the ice with someone else, and I worry that my sex and love miswiring might cause me to be taken outside of myself and fall into a relationship again, or to become obsessed, as I am prone to do with even the hint of a reciprocated crush. Like, I suspect there totally should be a period of celibacy instilled here for the sake of protecting the path that I'm on. However, being a lover has for a long, long time been a part of who I am. Can I go back to a more casual, yet intimate mindset? Perhaps that can happen after I am more firmly embedded on this path.

On Tuesday night after work, on the way home, i felt vulnerable and lonely. I was fine with the day's accomplishments but got thrown off when giving report and a nurse was highly annoyed that my lil' old confused lady's ER IV hadn't been changed yet as per protocol. Maybe it was just how she was feeling and that was just one of those things to add to already existing annoyance. So, anyway, that rocked me a little bit. I whined about being lonely to the (ex)lover. Heck, i even declined a proposition from a new lover (and *only* lover, again, not relationship candidate, not even sure if he could be trusted as a clandestine affair candidate, so I'm not going there). I meditated on the train and actually felt more grounded, less vulnerable when I got home. Positive progress.

And, remembering the ending of Nurse Jackie...when she said, "God make me good...just not yet." Well, that gave name to a reservation for me, I think. Part of why I'm so scared of my spiritual/life potential. There are many not yets in my brain. I need to put them aside. The not yets do not serve the highest good. I need to continuously commit myself to this greater good and somehow quiet the not yets.

There is a meditation that I was taught for studying that involved induction via a staircase. My staircase was painted as a spiral staircase. I heard yesterday (In the movie National Treasure) King Solomon's temple had a spiral staircase that was said to lead to the Path of Truth, or Path of light, to the spirit. Ha, just googled this and was reminded of watching Half Nelson last week where it was mentioned that change happens in spirals, involves opposites, and something else?

I am totally getting my puzzle piece tattooed if I can get in before I'm due to get my Shiva tattoo. Hm, I also just had the bright idea that Snake Eyes is not the only tattooer in the world, he's just my favorite. :) But he is mad booked and I want to get a lot of ink done. At any rate, Shall I call this phase the Path of the Puzzle Pieces? I have some of the means, and now I'm finding the way. Spiritual practices are definitely my needed corner pieces.


Oh God, universal energy, who has many, many faces and names, Shiva, Alla, Jah, Kali, Isis, Ganesha, Odin, Jehova

.... open my eyes and my heart to love without expectation or quantification; without walls or boundaries of my own creation; a love that forgives and unites and lifts spirits.
.... continue to bring people and experiences into my life who are aligned with my highest self.
.... teach me strength, discipline, critical thinking, perserverence, versatility, practical creativity
.... help me honor my spirit with care and patience towards myself.
.... help me heal those who are hurting and lift their hearts with hope.
.... help me make choices that honor my body and my spirit.
.... remove these reservations! Plz0rz? Mmkay? I'm tired of fighting you and hurting myself. It's damn unneccessary!

So, anyway. I'm tired. It's 4AM. I'm up *way* past my bedtime. And If I want to get anything done today (going to home depot to get color swatches, for example, for painting)... I'd better sleep.


My love and best wishes go out to you all, thanks for listening to this part of my story. Please stay in my life.
A
It gets better!


PS: Speaking of the new experiences - the free plane ticket I was going to use for Seattle? It has limited destinations, Seattle was not one of them. So I'm planning on going to atlanta, by myself, without knowing anybody there. I shall definitely visit MLK's things, and there's a puppet festival going on the time I'm planning on going! How cute! So I'll be going to Atlanta *and* Seattle this year. Perhaps I'll even be able to make it to SF again as well. It's my annual goal.

PPS: Does anyone @ BI know if I can use sick days post-surgery instead of vacation days? :) I still have to make time to have my gallbladder taken out. heh.

deenamita [userpic]

Statistics

May 18th, 2009 (02:14 am)

Anyone out there in LJ land well-versed in statistics and can help me with some questions and you're awake right now?

deenamita [userpic]

Dream Log

May 2nd, 2009 (05:04 am)
Tags: ,

current location: bedroom
current mood: sleepy
current song: the rain

Someone gave me a yellow rain poncho. :)

My friend, who will also have 2 years on Tuesday, picked up before then. :(

hmm

deenamita [userpic]

Happy re-birthday to me

May 1st, 2009 (05:20 am)
current location: nekkid in my room
current mood: happy
current song: Santa Esmeralda - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

As of today I have 2 years clean.

Amusingly, yesterday someone left a spam comment on an entry from Feb '07, so I took that opportunity to skim some entries from back then. Boy was I borderline crazy, and I couldn't string together $50 in savings. In fact, I was almost always broke. On that particular post I had pulled a muscle pole dancing.

Today, I strain my brain every day I work as a Nurse. It's kicking my butt, it's the most challenging thing I have ever done, and I know it's still just the beginning.

Today, I still don't choose the relationships that are best for me, but I am trying to be more objective when assessing the people that come into my life.

Today, I make attempts to call and see friends, before I avoided everyone except those I was using with.

Today, I am grateful to God to be alive, to have my head mostly clear (I'm still unique, emotional, and crazy, lol).

Today, I am grateful to have a chance to become what I am supposed to be in this life.

Today, I am grateful I'm not allergic to mornings anymore, that I don't have 2 hour wars with my snooze bar. :) That I can sit here at 5:15 in the morning before work and write.

So, LJ, I shall write more. I've been using the old-fashioned pen and paper for a bit now, hiding my thoughts and my progress from you. But this journal wouldn't be complete unless I included the person I am today and am becoming. I was also thinking about starting an anonymous Nursing blog, we'll see what happens.

*hugs* to you all, thanks for being there throughout the years.

deenamita [userpic]

Make chain

January 20th, 2009 (05:50 pm)

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me! My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year.
-You have no clue what it's going to be. It could be anything. Jewelry,a poem, a set of lj icons that I think suit your personality... Whoknows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange or silly.

The catch? Oh, the catch is that you *have* to repost and follow through. :) We can all make stuff!!

deenamita [userpic]

Dream Log

December 24th, 2008 (09:03 am)
current location: bed
current song: Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

A gerbil gave birth while I was holding her. I put her in my left hand and held the babies in my right hand while I tried to look for a container to put them all in. I kept trying to encourage her to breastfeed them but she wasn't having it, she was anxious. The babies were damn hungry! They started tunneling under my hand and I could see my flesh rising and turning bloody and purple underneath the skin. I ran down the street in my underwear and a tshirt trying to find a store that would have a sewing needle, got all the way down the block [i have no idea what street this was, had a bunch of unfamiliar stores on it]...people were looking at me like I was crazy...remembered I had sewing needles at home and ran back to my house. Ran into someone I knew who showed me something I don't remember...showed them my hand. Weird. I am sleeping on sheets that used to be gerbil stomping grounds. :)

deenamita [userpic]

Goodness, what a coincidence.

December 13th, 2008 (04:34 am)
current location: window desk
current song: Wayne Dyer - Power of Intention 07 of 07

I was copying the Prayer of St. Francis into my sketchbook and part of Wayne Dyer's PBS presentation of Power Of Intention randoms on itunes...in which he starts talking specifically about the Prayer of St. Francis and the effects of living it....that by being connected to your source, you radiate a calm presence that can calm others merely with your presence. He then goes to talk about the Dyer Dozen, ways to stay connected to source.Collapse )

deenamita [userpic]

poly

December 12th, 2008 (01:52 pm)
Tags:

i don't know if I am able to be practically poly anymore, like, if that's a high priority for me in a prospective partner these days. Jealousy sucks. I suspect the characteristics and mindset of the partner could make a difference.

I know I'm philisophically poly, though.

Sigh.

Opening myself up to the idea of dating beyond my current partner has opened up more of a pandora's box than I realized.

Especially when I mix my personal goals into the batter vs the ubiquitous inbred concept of the biological clock.

I'm going back to sleep, now.

deenamita [userpic]

love/hate

December 12th, 2008 (01:47 pm)

i love having crushes

i hate putting the crush factor into the digital universe and waiting.

deenamita [userpic]

Coincidences. Sigh.

December 11th, 2008 (05:01 am)
current location: window desk
current song: Portishead - Glory Box

I was just trying to figure out where to paste an archer on my journal and I hear....

"Glory Box"

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just. .

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

From this time, unchained
We're all looking at a different picture
Thru this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

[INSTRUMENTAL]

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be ee, a woman
Its all I wanna be is all woman

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

Its time to move over... ...

deenamita [userpic]

Something like that

December 11th, 2008 (12:36 am)
blah

current location: window desk
current mood: blah
current song: Steve Miller Band - The Joker


Your Social Dysfunction:
Narcissistic



You are very self-important, preoccupied with success fantasies, expect special treatment and lack interpersonal empathy.





Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com


Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.


deenamita [userpic]

Purging the paper wreckage of my past

December 9th, 2008 (11:13 am)
current location: bedroom
current song: - SoulfulClassicJazz.com Radio

In my lonely, quiet, long night hours at home, I have begun the process of going through boxes of papers from the past several years, whittling down the amount of paperwork in my house...scanning memorabilia for posterity, compiling memories written in my coked-out crazy years...
Whew. This is a long, long, process. ONe piece of paper at a time. And often, I wrote notes in those years on tiny pieces of paper, in scribbled handwriting. Those I can transcribe I'm doing so and backdating it on LJ. Events/dates I'm chronicling on my google calendar. I have an odd desire to catalog my life on the internet. My story is important! Just wait until I get to the teenage letters from boyfriends, which will be anonymized, of course. heh.

There is also the beginning of purging images intended for collage. Because I have a hard time parting with things, and because I have friends who like to collage...There are a few envelopes of images already being made for certain artsy friends.

If you'd like to receive an envelope full of images and/or that remind me of you or that I think you might like, chosen by free-association, comment with your address. Comments, of course, will be screened. You can also feel free to specify topics/words/things that I can keep in mind when going through stuff.

happy tuesday!

deenamita [userpic]

Life Experiences test

December 2nd, 2008 (02:03 am)

The Life Experience Test

Overall, you have partaken in 108 out of 169 possible life experiences.
Your average life experience score is therefore 64%.


The average score is 51%, making your experiences more than 84% of the people who have taken this test.
The average for your age group (26-35) is 53%.

Broken down by category:
Art: 9/17 (53%)

Career & Work: 10/13 (77%)

Civics & Technology: 4/7 (57%)

Crime & Disarray: 8/11 (73%)

Education: 11/18 (61%)

Fashion: 6/10 (60%)

Fitness, Health and Sports: 4/7 (57%)

Life in General: 8/14 (57%)

Relationships: 11/14 (79%)

Religion & Politics: 2/4 (50%)

Social: 15/22 (68%)

Travel: 8/20 (40%)

Vices: 12/12 (100%)

 
Take the test and see how YOU compare

deenamita [userpic]

Rainbow

November 29th, 2008 (10:21 am)

Your rainbow is strongly shaded red and violet.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What is says about you: You are a passionate person. You appreciate beauty and craftsmanship. You get bored easily and want friends who will keep up with you. You are patient and will keep trying to understand something until you've mastered it.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

deenamita [userpic]

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November 8th, 2008 (02:01 am)

A true friend sees the 1st tear, catches the 2nd, and bitchslaps the motherfucker that causes the 3rd. Send 2 all your true friends.

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

November 3rd, 2008 (05:14 pm)

A boy drew a penis on the chalkboard, the teacher rubs it off.The next day he drew a bigger one & writes: THE MORE YOU RUB IT THE BIGGER IT GETS!!!