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deenamita [userpic]

a year

January 24th, 2012 (12:35 am)

Since I've posted, still alive....I'm more of a watcher on the net these days than a participant, mostly because I'm avoiding talking about my own shit to anyone besides my therapist, my mate, and my pets. Sometimes I'm even avoiding talking to myself about it all.

I must become more social this year. I will never thrive if I don't maintain my friendships and those are only burning like kindling right now.

To be continued.

deenamita [userpic]

My mom

January 14th, 2011 (01:48 pm)

current mood: sad

For those of you don't do facebook, my mom (Kerry Lappi - nee Mazol) passed away on Wednesday after a very short battle with pancreatic cancer. :(

deenamita [userpic]

mozart chocolate

December 19th, 2010 (08:49 pm)

current mood: cheerful

...would like to thank the patient's family that gave her the yummy mozart chocolate

of course I shared with coworkers. :)

deenamita [userpic]

doggie serendiptiy

July 16th, 2010 (05:58 pm)
Tags: ,

current location: futon

Today I met a beautiful big dog, perhaps a yellow lab. It was at the next door neighbor of my therapist, waiting with her owner for their pilates session next door. I inquired as to whether I may pet the beautiful dog, and the owner said yes. Petting ensues on the head, hesistant kisses are given in return. Doggy decides to get up and investigate me further.

So what's your name, doggie?
"Eliza" (owner)
"Well, Eliza, very nice to meet you. My name's Christina."
Eliza puts out her paw to shake, and shortly thereafter gives me the booty.
"Well, I guess now that we've been properly introduced I have permission to scratch your butt!"

Owner and I LOL.

It made my day!

deenamita [userpic]

Beginning the journal process again, as I formalize the self-discovery process.

May 19th, 2010 (02:30 pm)

current location: futon
current mood: grateful
current song: Maná - Psionic

Happy Wednesday....So I started therapy again a couple of weeks ago .  I was frustrated yesterday related to  not having an easy scientific way to measure progress in a session or a way to chart accomplishment of tangible goals.   I just realized that journaling will actually help me make faster progress AND help me measure that progress in a way.  So….here we are.  

Things that have the thinking gears going… 

a few quotes from bones: 
"Buddhists say that if we can lose ourselves in a moment without distraction or desire then we experience truth."  - Bones
“When we discover what we need, we discover who we are.”  - sweets
"destruction is easier than harmony ... but not more powerful."
"I've noticed that very few people are scary once they've been poked in the eye."  - Bones

My friend aisha posted this to her facebook:
Lesson of the night: The more detached someone is (in general) the less responsibility they have to others. Is this why we shield ourselves from forming close bonds? Is it a fear of being responsible to another? The fear of having another depend on you? Count on you? Inherit feelings of inadequacy? Fearful that you will fail? Without risk there can be no reward... *Caffeine induced ramblings*

I will have to expound upon these later.   For now, I want to focus on what my self-improvement goals are at the moment, in no particular order, and not well organized.  =P   Possibly listed in order of the most distressing considering how quickly some came up in comparison to others...relating to how dissatisfied i am with that aspect of my life... *shrug*   I do a good job of suriviving, but now I want to learn how to thrive. 

  • Be ON TIME, nearly all the time...for people, places, and things.    The only thing I'm on time for now is work, and barely that.  Granted, it's a miracle - I used to be late for EVERYTHING.   :)

  • Be more consistently productive and proactive....I've had a lot of time off of work lately and I've spent most of that time not doing much of anything besides watching serial episodes of bones on netflix instead of shcoolwork, art, working on the new apartment, cooking, laundry, etc.   There have been a few sporadic outings and time with the beau and a sprinkling of schoolwork, however, I ended up slipping into a depression because I wasn't, well, pressing myself.   Watching Bones is great and all, but my goals got pushed aside with some OCD pushes of the next episode button.  
  • Take better care of myself, get in shape so that I can feel better and physically handle stress better  - I stopped going to the gym and I can feel my body deteriorating, starting to ache more.   This would include consistent yoga, too.  
  • Learn to foster emotional/mental balance through meditation and listening to my instincts and inner processes more in order to identify what/why I am feeling something and prevent supression of feelings and then getting suddenly overwhelemed.   [excuse the grammar here....]    Also, improve critical thinking and empathy skills.  
  • Live a more spiritual life. 
  • Live a more intentful and productive artistic life. 
  • Improve my friendships/relationships!   Many of my relationships are underdeveloped.  The only relationship I consisistently put any effort into is with whomever I am dating at the time. 
  • Create my ideal job, or at least lay the foundation for that path.  It would involve art, nursing/healing - both eastern and western modalities, public speaking, writing, travel, research, and being involved with a cause - still yet to be identified.   Ultimately, by showing up to my med-surg job i am still working on that path.   Healing myself more will facilitiate clarification of the path and add skillsets.    I really want to save the world, one seed of hope at a time.   :)    ...and I want other cohorts along on that path with me.  But, I know I am meant to be a leader based on the experiences God has given me thus far in life, and I'm coming to accept that fact.  For once, I need to lead myself first, so I can improve upon the leadership skills I've gained in the past and prevent some of the same mistakes from happening. 

I'm sure I'm missing something, but that's the basics, I suspect. 

For the record, I've accomplished not using drugs or alcohol for 3+ years, and quit smoking a year ago (about), and have survived Nursing for nearly 2 years now.  :)    Those are some major things.  :)    Also, I wrote this over coffee and cereal instead of watching another episode of Bones.  :)

deenamita [userpic]

Rather than forwarding the email....

May 12th, 2010 (03:15 am)
current location: home


Read to the end, you will laugh
just picturing it happening.
I love the thoughts she lives by!!!
I didn't break the elastic...

Don't break the elastic!

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting...'
Regarding body changes, she said there
were many, occurring every day.....like her breasts.
They seem to be in a race, to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried.
She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:
a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

Please send this to five phenomenal women today... and back to me if you think I'm one also.
If you do, something good will happen:
You will boost another woman's self-esteem..

If you don't.....the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles!

Believe me, I didn't take any chances on MY elastic breaking.....I sent it to a lot of special women I care

deenamita [userpic]

weird dream log (hardly any other kind for me!)

May 3rd, 2010 (12:20 pm)
current song: Sex Pistols - Bodies

OKay, this one takes the cake for weird lately.

Whereas in my dream I thought I was living in a normal apartment in a normal life, it tuns out that when I was being taken away to a psych ward I was informed that I was not in fact living a normal life in a normal apartment...I was being used for sex in a tiny room by a priest and had been hallucinating my daily life in order to protect myself. They showed me the building, and that my keys opened the front door and the tiny room (which only had a bench built into it, as big as a closet). So I had been going to work and coming "home" to this reality, of which I had no knowledge.

The next day I escaped from the psych ward, and visited the same neighborhood, of course. The people in the hood were chastizing me as that women who had sex with the priest, and I protested, saying I had no idea, and explained how the brain works and that it was totally possible I could be unaware. Some had sympathy, some were still considering me a 'ho. I was also sifting through my belongings which had been put out on the street in boxes, although interestingly, my brain was telling me in the dream that these were belongings I had decided to get rid of when i moved out of my old apartment.

I woke up..and of course wondering where in my life i'm being raped spiritually with the wool pulled over my psyche.

deenamita [userpic]

Dream log x 2 .. both having to do with death, of sorts.

April 24th, 2010 (11:31 pm)
current location: home

The last dream I had this morning before waking up... the only thing I remember was a tall green plant stalk with the leaves falling off.

Then, taking a nap in quiet study today ...WEIRD FREAKY dream. I had had a miscarriage (in the past, not actively bloody, just knew that I had had one..) and the remaining fetus was viable and the size of a tiny worm. I had been keeping it alive in a pot of water, but had apparently forgotten to give it milk for a while, neglecting it. I was draining the water and the fetus-worm was dangling on the edge of a drain part. I tried to pick it up with tweezers but cut it in half accidentally, hence it died. I was sad. I put it in a plastic bag to put out with the garbage and tied the bag, dropping it on the floor. a few minutes later I see a lot of activity in the bag and i knew that maggots were multiplying like crazy and I needed to get the bag out of the house! I picked up the bag and ran outside of the house while this bag kept expanding and I could hear flies inside...the front door was a double door like my childhood house, in fact, it was probably my childhood block...i tossed the bag out into the street, it broke and the flies started flying away into the alley across the street. I went back inside and bolted the door and it had this intense giant steel door kinda bolt. ON the wall to the right of the inner door was a wall with names written on it and holes, all up and down the wall, as if there had been a bunch of pictures there held up by pushpins.

And then I woke up, as the story ends. WTF? !?!?

deenamita [userpic]

Dream Log

April 21st, 2010 (12:34 pm)
current location: home, desk

I just vaguely had a flashback that this morning I was dreaming that I was in a class and giving a presentation on pop culture. I went to the class not knowing what I was going to present on, and then came up with the idea of a pop culture panel quiz. I appointed the two largest people in the class as team leaders but never separated people into teams. I was racing up and down the hallway of the school trying to think - what materials could I use? what questions? while everyone was waiting in the classroom. The class was rowdy, and the first question I asked was "What team won the 1986 world series?" and I could hear the mets fans in the class start yelling cheerfully, but they all honestly pointed to the quiet girl who answered the questing in a split second and was just sitting there smiling.

This became my springboard for talking about pop culture and shared values fostering community spirit. I had been self-conscious about this pop culture topic because I don't believe myself to be a pop culture kinda girl. I then realized I could have had everyone in the class write down a pop trivia question to use for the panel quiz.

...and then I woke up. It's interesting that this dream was evidence of my brain deciphering the morals vs. values question I went to sleep unable to answer for an English class assignment!

deenamita [userpic]

Dr3am Log

April 19th, 2010 (02:20 pm)
Tags: ,

current mood: still waking up
current song: Blue Man Group - Persona

I was living with the beau, layout was probably my parents first house with the living room downstairs. Beau was upstairs, I was downstairs and there was a knock at the (back) door. It was someone from the neighborhood, asking my advice because his girfriend had been having abdominal pain for a few days now. I asked him a few questions and then decided he should take her to see the doctor, not to mention, I was annoyed that a neighbor I didn't know would be knocking on my door to ask about his gf's abdominal pain.

Some new neighbors popped up outside, it was a middle-aged white lesbian couple who were both, incidentally, doctors. The dude was leaving at this point, and they didn't mention they were doctors until they were gone. They came in for a meal and met beau.

This dream is very easy to determine the origins of....I've been debating becoming an advanced practice nurse vs. MD (I really like the ability to say "I can't answer that, you should see the doctor") , and I went to sleep with a tummy full of buffalo wings, fearing a tummy ache might happen, which, it didn't fortunately.

deenamita [userpic]

....back together again

April 11th, 2010 (05:58 pm)
current location: home
current mood: mixed

here we go again, taking a chance on love...

via http://www.1-love-quotes.com/
from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

deenamita [userpic]


April 6th, 2010 (04:40 am)

So I now return to the world of writing....I have little other audience or venue to whom I can express my thoughts, feelings, though, I'm grateful for sadie in san fran being a few hours behind and happening to answer her phone to my tears.

Broke up with my lover of 5 months today, lover was certain, I was not. I had been feeling a pull towards self for 3 years now that Ive been ignoring, after 20-ish years of serial relationships.

Sadly, I'm letting go of a relationship with an awesome person, selfless, kind, passionate, adventurous. We'd been really stressed lately because of many of my stresses and some of theirs, and sadly things ended during this stressed out period when some fun together was finally on the horizon. But...the topic kept coming up, and the tears kept flowing, and uncertainty lingered and pandora's box spoke.

I feel bad because of this uncertainty, my lover deserves nothing but the bestest love, and I just don't have the energy to give it right now. I barely have energy to work toward my own goals at the moment, and I'm even having trouble defining those. So, as they say, no good being in a relationship if you're not in one with yourself.

So, sad, sad, sad. I hope we end up being friends. In time. :(

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

October 17th, 2009 (02:14 pm)

A text never sent: "it's official. I wish I had never met you." Never sent since I wasn't sure it was true, just true for the moment.

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

October 2nd, 2009 (11:24 pm)

eet dreams my. love' to. Then I remembered I have all of you. So, sweet dreams my loves.

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

October 2nd, 2009 (11:24 pm)

The minute the lights were out I started thinking ... And crying ... thinking ... I now don't have anyone to whom I can text the usual 'goodnight and sw

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

September 12th, 2009 (12:30 am)

I've been ER @ BI since 5p. alone. Need food. No wifi. No end in sight. Came in for a shot my gyn couldn't give in office, now waiting for sono. Gimme knp!

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

August 31st, 2009 (10:09 am)

Hahahahaa!!! After 14 years I am finally a licensed driver!!!!! Beware!

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

August 14th, 2009 (11:22 pm)

A slow sax in the park makes the clich for a solo summer nyc stroll on a friday night.

deenamita [userpic]

P/T Help Wanted - Assistant

July 27th, 2009 (03:37 pm)

current mood: optimistic
current song: Sounds Of Blackness - I'm Going All The Way

I'm seeking a p/t student (or not) to help me organize "things" in my home in Brooklyn, starting with:

+ Sorting cut-out paper images into files (a heinous, tedious, OCD, yet creative-thinking-needed task).
+ Organizing craft/beading materials, including loose beads that have become unsorted.
+ Scanning
+ Typing
+ Ocassional Errands

Pay: for now, $10/hr
Hours: At most 10hr/week, time is flexible. Project-based with long-term potential.

I promise: I will not make you do my laundry or scrub my toilet.

So, Do y'all know of anyone before I have to head to craigslist and find complete strangers?

deenamita [userpic]

Posted using TxtLJ (http://www.livejournal.com/manage/sms/)

July 17th, 2009 (11:50 am)

Hi y'all! I miss you! On my way from the monastery back to hotlanta. By on my way, I mean waiting for a greyhound running on southern time. lol

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